Picture this: You finally get the opportunity to people lead, the promotion, that team, that shot! 🤩
You’re determined.
You’re fired up.
You swear on your group chat that you’ll never become the kind of boss that made you cry in the parking lot.
And then…
Leadership pressure hits.
Deadlines loom.
Your calendar becomes a game of Tetris.
And before you know it, you’re snapping at small mistakes and hovering over project plans like a drone parent.
It’s OK. Breathe.
You’re not doomed to repeat the past—unless you avoid dealing with it.
Let’s talk about how you can truly lead better after surviving toxic leadership…Because, let’s be real, we learn through example, and if we had a (or many) shitty example(s), we are bound to make some of the same f*ckups.
First: Why It’s So Easy to Accidentally Repeat Bad Patterns
When you’ve only ever experienced survival-mode leadership, your brain gets wired to think that’s just “how things are.”
Without intentionally unlearning, you default to what’s familiar—even if it’s what you hated.
Example:
If your old boss micromanaged you into oblivion, you might think that extreme control = “being a good, responsible leader.”
If they mood-swinged all over the office, you might not realize how much emotional regulation actually matters.
Awareness is the first step. Action is the second.
Common Toxic Traits to Watch Out For (In Yourself)
Here’s where it gets real.
| Toxic Trait | How It Shows Up | What to Do Instead |
|---|---|---|
| Micromanagement | Constantly checking in, redoing team members’ work. | Focus on setting clear expectations upfront and trust your people and the process. Check outputs, not hover over inputs. |
| Mood Swings | Letting a bad day turn into snappiness or stonewalling. | Communicate when you’re having an off day. Model professionalism and emotional consistency. |
| Microaggressions | Subtle comments or jokes that belittle differences. | Keep your jokes and assumptions inclusive. If you mess up, own it and apologize. |
| Taking Credit | Sharing wins as your own, not acknowledging others. | Shine a light on your team. Celebrate their contributions loudly and often. |
| Blame Shifting | Throwing team members under the bus when things go wrong. | Focus on learning, not blaming. Ask, “What can we all learn from this?” |
5 Action Steps to Lead Better
1. Build Psychological Safety—Intentionally
Your team should feel safe to speak up, disagree, ask questions, and fail without fear of punishment.
Practical Tip:
Start meetings by inviting input: “Is there anything we’re missing?” or “Any concerns before we move forward?”
2. Master the Art of Clear Expectations
Confusion breeds fear. Fear breeds toxicity.
Practical Tip:
For every new project, answer these for your team:
- What’s the goal?
- What does success look like?
- What’s the deadline?
- How much autonomy do you have?
3. Be Mindful of Microaggressions
Even offhand jokes or assumptions can hurt.
(E.g., “You’re so articulate!” or “You don’t look like an engineer.”)
Practical Tip:
Before commenting, ask yourself:
- Is this compliment rooted in a stereotype?
- Would I say this to someone from the majority group?
4. Own Your Mood—Don’t Make It Everyone’s Problem
Bad days happen. But leadership = emotional consistency.
Practical Tip:
If you’re having a rough day, tell your team:
“Heads up, I’m dealing with some personal stuff today. If I seem distracted, it’s not about you.”Showing you’re human is not a weakness. Being real, upfront and honest gains your team’s confidence. Showing empathy and understanding = winning at management and humanness.
5. Apologize and Repair When You Mess Up
You will make mistakes. What matters most is how you fix them.
Practical Tip:
When needed, say:
“I realize my decision on X did not turn out as planned and that the proposed Y option, Sue brought up last meeting was a better fit given what the data showed. Next time, I hope to make a more informed decision based on the team’s input and available data, etc..”
Quick Self-Check: Are You Becoming the Boss You Swore You’d Never Be?
✅ I trust my team to do their work without hovering.
✅ I communicate clear goals, not just “figures it out” expectations.
✅ I manage my emotions—my team doesn’t have to guess my mood.
✅ I create space for different voices and backgrounds, without assumptions.
✅ I give credit generously and take accountability seriously.
✅ I ask for feedback regularly—and act on it.
✅ I apologize without defensiveness when I get it wrong.
If you missed more than 2 of these?
Time for some reflection—and that’s a good thing. Growth starts with honesty.
Before You Go: Give Yourself Grace, Too
Leading well after surviving toxic leadership is hard.
You’re rewriting the script in real time, with no perfect blueprint.
The goal isn’t “be perfect.” The goal is be better—day by day.
You’re already doing it by reading this and putting the steps into action. Keep going! You got this!
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